


palps' frustration

by passcod



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Absurd, Crack, Gen, i blame saf for this, palpatine pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:15:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28957032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/passcod/pseuds/passcod
Kudos: 3





	palps' frustration

Darth Sidious was happy. Plots were progressing well, the dark side hadn't disfigured him _too_ much, and he had managed to keep Vader focused enough that he hadn't destroyed all the spy devices he kept embedding everywhere.

Oh, Vader did assure him that it was an accident every time he'd inquired, and he _was_ prone to bouts of irrational anger, so it wasn't all that unlikely, but it was always so darn inconvenient.

And he'd thought keeping Vader on a leash would have been the hard part! No no no, the real challenge was exercising him. He couldn't bring him to the same park, er, planets everytime, he had to vary the orders enough, or Vader would just turn around chasing his own tail and get underfoot. Honestly, it was exhausting.

This whole thing with luring his offspring within maiming range was a stroke of genius. And now he was about to listen in to the final episode.

"I... AM YOUR FATHER"

"nooooOOOOOOOO"

Oh. _Ohhh._ That was _good_. He needed to get in on that.

* * *

The Kylo chit was dreadfully boring at the best of times, but on the plus side he never did catch on to all the surveillance that was planted over his suit, helmet, boots, and — he was most proud of that one — his trademark black robes.

The young, arrogant, vain boy, hopelessly lost in his grandfather's supposed "aesthetic" (ugh) had insisted on the best, and so the best he had delivered: ewok fur, mon calamari bile dye, and very stealthy spy devices. He hadn't told him about those, obviously.

He _was_ rather independent. He'd encouraged that, initially, as that made him a little more dangerous. Also he didn't have time to walk him everywhere. He had an empire to run! Or, to plot, at least. The moffs did the running, and even then, he thought they probably delegated too. It was dreadfully boring.

The issue with an independent minion, though, was sometimes they did something completely unexpected. Like bringing the girl to a place of conflicting Force, a place where it was hard to deceive, where lies wouldn't bear being uttered and truth would ring out in all who heard it. Bringing her here, where she would, instinctively, know words were true, with the promise of knowledge on her origins.

He seethed. That wasn't the plan! He'd practiced so long in the mirror! He wanted this to be perfect!

It would go:

"I AM YOUR GRANDFATHER"

"nooooOOOOOOOO"

But no, the Kylo brat had decided to go gallivanting and was, right this moment, revealing the truth.

"You are a Palpatine."

Pathetic. What a letdown. Why couldn't you be more like your grandfather and just _breathe loudly_ whenever you're upset, you impudent whelp.

Just for that, Kylo Ren, just for ruining my line, I'm gonna get you. I'll _end your line_.


End file.
